HEMMIN AND HAWIN #1
on "living with this amount of scared love in my heart" when the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket.
Hey Farai, your new writing adventure couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I'm struggling with something that is very new to me and I'd love your take on it. I want to preface this by saying I don't know your spiritual beliefs but I admire (from afar) your mothering and the love you show for your children. I deeply hope my question is not offensive (what a way to start this, eh?)
I'm struggling with postpartum anxiety around child loss. I experience unwanted thoughts and worries daily and I'm having difficulty focusing that energy into gratitude. And I do not have a faith system to turn to that would make it any more palatable. I grew up Christian-ish... we didn't go to church but my parents believe in the Christian god and heaven and whatnot. Since high school, however, I have been atheist/agnostic/nonreligious, and it has truly never been a source of agony or confusion for me. HOWEVER, I am now the mother of an almost one-year-old and I've realized how much more terrifying parenthood and mortality is when you don't believe in "heaven." News of constant shootings have hit me - like every other parent - and I find myself envious of those who have an afterlife belief to fall back on. I'm in no way interested in joining an organized religion, BUT I'd love your insights on how to live with this amount of scared love in my heart. How do you parent your precious babes and choose gratitude over fear? Are there non-Christian readings you might recommend? Thank you for reading.ged
KH
FIRST OFF KH, thank you kindly for the best first submission I could have hoped for. Reading your words was like peeking into the intimate conversations I have with my close mom friends often. I bring this up because, you are not alone in your rumination of these difficult topics we have to face as people parenting young children on Earth at this time. Intrusive thoughts about me and my children’s mortality often plague me, especially during my first pregnancy and post partum experience. I know many ask ourselves WHAT WERE WE THINKING when we birthed/adopted our children. To love someone so completely and to be responsible for their safety can be overwhelming sometimes. I’m of the ideology that we are mammals, mayhap we succumb to the desire for offspring and we follow through with it- common sense be damned. The truth is- life has probably always been going to hell in a handbasket for humans since we existed. If it wasn’t global collapse, then it’s a plague, or enslavment, or heaven knows what else.
Speaking of heaven, I too grew up Christian, heavily attended church and was cultured to act right lest fire and brimstone became my fate. I felt like an alien my entire childhood in the Christian church. Once I left home, disgusted with the hypocrisy and pain we humans inflicted on each other under the name of “god” I decided there was no god, no heaven, no hell. However i’m too woo woo to be atheist or even agnostic for that matter. With time, and several college religious study classes under my belt- I grasped on to the concept that most of the world religions are just our way of making sense of the world to each other and are more similar than not. Of course because we are human, we manage to bungle it all up royally what with our giant egos and need for control. I digress. I cannot tell you that there is heaven or hell. I cannot tell you that they don’t exist either. What I can for sure tell you is that I have no earthly idea and I am am comfortable with not knowing the answers. I can also tell you I derive comfort in the here and now. Life is both heaven and hell to me. It all depends on what I make of it, and how I choose to live it right now with what is available to me. I focus on what is in front of me, and what I have control over. I find the most peace from the buddhist and principles of non-attachment. Don’t take that to mean that I force myself not to feel, but instead I just choose to accept everything as it is as opposed to placing great weight on everything.
I am drawn to books that encourage me to be present in my life. This is how I make room for gratitude.I believe taking stock and making room for gratitude daily is the key to making space for the hard times and hard questions. Here is an excellent podcast episode that affirmed this for me. To live my human experience, the good and the bad. I enjoy 365 Tao, and the Tao of Motherhood. When I struggle with intrusive thoughts, my therapist taught me to sit with the thought, let it in, and replace it with the opposing thought (ie the more positive one) and then let it meld into my body through alternate nostril breathing. So inhale say the negative thought, exhale focus on the positive one. Sometimes I’d journal the scary thought, and journal its opposite like “what if we will be ok” or “my children are healthy and happy” or other different scenarios. Overtime I learned to make peace with both and try to focus on what I could control when I was feeling overwhelmed. Its easier said that done, but overtime it sweetens the pot. Don’t forget to nourish yourself in meantime. I adore milky oats tincture for mothers postpartum.
I hope this helps, thank you for trusting me KH. I appreciate you!
Rootin-tootinly yours,
Farai
If you would like to submit something to my Agony Aunt column called Hemmin’ and Hawin’ , email your submission to thehillbillyafrican@gmail.com. All submissions will be kept anonymous.